Words and Phrases to Avoid in a Difficult Conversation

 

In the midst of challenging discussions, it's common to become inward-focused, concentrating solely on personal ideas, viewpoints, and feelings. However, adopting a self-centered approach can have adverse consequences.

Difficult conversations are inherently challenging, especially when stress or anxiety is involved, making it easy to inadvertently say the wrong things. Drawing from over two decades of teaching and research highlighted in my book, Choosing Courage, I've identified common mistakes that often creep into our communication and explained why they can create issues.

1. Don't assume your viewpoint is obvious: Using words like "clearly," "obviously," or "beyond doubt" may indicate an inclination towards naive realism, assuming that your perspective is an objective reality. Acknowledge that situations are seldom black or white, and expressing divergent views as inconsequential can alienate others. Persuasively presenting your case is more effective than asserting the obviousness of your stance.

2. Don't exaggerate: Resorting to phrases like "You always..." or "You never..." when expressing frustration may undermine credibility and divert the conversation to a debate about frequency. Stick to the substance of the issue rather than engaging in hyperbole, ensuring a more constructive dialogue.

3. Don't tell others what they should do: Avoiding phrases like "You should" prevents implicit value judgments and judgments. Imposing expectations may lead to resistance, as people prefer deciding for themselves. Instead, opt for expressions like "You might consider" or "One possibility is" to enhance the likelihood of a productive conversation.

4. Don't blame others for your feelings: While emotional reactions are natural, attributing your feelings directly to someone else can be unhelpful. Instead of saying, "You make me so angry when you interrupt me," express your emotions and request a change in behavior more constructively, focusing on your feelings and the desired outcome.

5. Don't challenge someone's character or integrity: Describing actions as "unprofessional," "wrong," or "unethical" may provoke defensiveness and shift the focus from the issue to a defense of character. Use phrases that question the desirability of actions, preserving the individual's self-perception while addressing concerns.

6. Don't say "It's not personal": Denying the personal impact when someone is visibly affected by your words or actions can escalate tensions. Acknowledge the personal aspect for the other person, demonstrating empathy and understanding, rather than dismissing it as impersonal.

Navigating difficult conversations requires attention to these nuanced communication aspects. While focusing on core arguments, data, and solutions is crucial, addressing the seemingly small communication missteps can significantly impact the overall success of the conversation.